24 December 2014 Wednesday

Christmas Eve in the city is nothing special. The roads are emptier and it is quieter which is scary when you are used to waking up to the morning horns of taxis and the late night screams of a woman being robbed. I guess if you’re living in the city the lights of Christmas trees are nothing special, the city is always magical at night, if you cross the Mandela Bridge every night you would think it was Christmas every night. What I like most about the city when driving back from work is seeing the First National Bank billboard with the words “How can we help you” I think these words are rather ironic coming from a bank which knows that all people want from this place of gold is money and maybe a little fame.
My stepmother insisted that I go shopping with her and my baby sister. I do not know if I have not mentioned her before in my previous blogs but yeah I have a stepmother- both my biological parents are passed. Anyway we went to Clearwater mall and it was crazy filled. My baby sister was not in a good mood and I do not know why, I mean she’s only ten but I feel she does not feel that good about herself because of her size. I was big when I was her age my nickname was fatty and I sometimes had problems with the nickname and I sometimes didn’t. She did not want to buy any clothes because she felt that they would not fit her and that broke my heart; how can she think with all the jeans in the shop that there wouldn’t be one to fit her; the absurdity of it all. I believe I have to be closer to her now more than ever as she is about to get in the adolescent phase. I need her to understand that she is beautiful and that she must love herself and treat herself like she is her own treasure. This way she will excel in all that she does because she believes in herself and also she will not place her self-worth in another human being. I want her to be independent and I want her to not be amazed when a man or woman tells her she’s beautiful because she will already know that and expect it. I just want her to be strong. I know how hard it is to love yourself especially when you’re female and the whole world has expectations of you. I know how it is to feel trapped in a body that you feel you do not identify with but from experience I can say that hating yourself will not change. Love yourself immensely and make the change that is needed. My baby sister must not realise this in her twenties she must know it now. Anyway after shopping with her I had to go to work.
Work was a bore as always and to make matters worse my manager was not around so I could not wander around. I had to sit in the ticket booth and serve customers; none of whom were in the cherry merry Christmas mood and I do not blame them. Once you become an adult bills become your life. I long for my childhood days- I really do.
There’s someone I think I might be falling for; it is both good and it is bad because I should not be falling for her because well because she has a child and I think a boyfriend but the signals she’s been giving me cannot be read wrong, they are clear. And now I’m sitting in my underwear wondering if she thinks of me, if she thinks of me in the way that I think of her. If she sitting with her laptop on the desk, underdressed and burning when she thinks of me. I can never know because she is in another province now visiting her family for Christmas and also I am not telepathic.
I know it will rain tomorrow like it did today; it always rains on Christmas day and New Years day; I don’t mind- I like it very much when it rains, I like to step into the puddles, I like the smell and the feeling of the raindrops when they hit my skin- this is why I do not own an umbrella, why I have never owned an umbrella and why I never will.

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